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Writer's pictureMichelle Hammel

it's your practice

Updated: Aug 13, 2023

you're the only one who can fuck with it


Whenever I start something new I stress and obsess [OCD] over how to do it properly. Like, what is THE way so I can just learn it and do it. I think what I’m really searching for is a baseline so that I can tailor -it- to me. My life. My specific needs… which are often wildly different than most people I meet. I struggle to normalize the way I do things because I don’t want to differ. I just want to be regular with a regular brain and heart that knows how to work in harmony without so much… energy [anxiety]. It’s not that I refuse to do hard things, I just wonder if it will always be like this [depression]… which is probably the problem. Problem is a bad word… perhaps it’s a hindrance. The other hindrance is that these ideas I have about being regular are not even true most of the time. I enjoy being different. Regular schmegular humaning is boring to me. I’m not mad at it; I support it… it’s just not possible for my life and I am pretty sure that is my ultimate knowing. I know for a fact I can live a regular schmegular life and at the same time be magical but I am on a different spot on that spectrum. I think it just requires—actually, I don’t know what it requires. Will someone please tell me so I can start practicing it IMMEDIATELY?


My point: starting to care about an element of my life requires knowing that it is a practice. I know that when I start doing something new whether it is caring about the health of my hair, studying Egyptian Yoga, eating enough food to sustain a my human body, drinking coffee, ax throwing, taking vitamins every goddamn day, etc. could be messy for like awhile. What’s awhile? It’s a spectrum, right? Some things I can pick up on easy [ax throwing] and I enjoy the practice of altering how I fuck with it, seeing results over time, accepting those results and deciding when/if I am going to check in on that practice to see if it’s still working for me or if I need to quit doing it. The frequency that I practice the thing is rarely the same as the other things I have going on so it invites a bit of chaos for some moments. Sometimes I just don’t care about the thing anymore and maybe it doesn’t align with my new values as I push 40 really fuckin hard.



I think of everything as a practice. It reminds me that perfection isn’t really a thing because perfection is subjective. For me, I know when I see a haircut or color out in the wild that is perfect [which has nothing to do with if I actually like it]. I know why it’s perfect and I get really excited about those results. I think about who is responsible for that work of art and what their practice is like. How long have they been practicing and how did they come up? Who were their influences and how do their eyes see perfection? When I see hair that is not perfect to my eyes, I wonder if that person knows. If they care. Because, I guess, to start practicing something you have care about it… kid of a lot because new things are hard. It takes extra energy to not only practice but start thinking about a NEW thing. And then you actually have to follow through if you want to be successful at -it- which can invite a lot of uncomfortable feelings.


New practices are a form of self-care in my brain dictionary and I’ve learned that caring about yourself enough to take steps to care even more is kind of a major life choice like buying a car or moving to another country or deciding to love someone more than you love everyone else.


Also, at the same time, I wouldn’t mind saying fuck it and being thrown around like a slutty bag of beans on repeat for all eternity. Be right back, I’m gonna go mediate.

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