top of page

newly identified daughter and sister

Writer's picture: Michelle HammelMichelle Hammel

[preface/reminder: i don't care about punctuation, capitalization or grammar when i'm on the mic like this. i prefer to type how i talk without the job of editing]


I have parents and I have 4 older brothers along with some step siblings and some step parents. I can’t recall a time that i’ve identified as a daughter or a sister.

That felt like a painful realization. It brought me back to when i was 12 or 13 (i had been babysitting newborns and toddlers for almost 5 years already) watching Ricky Lake or whatever other talk show was available at that time -i watched them all- and they had kids my age on stage talking about how they were ready to start a family and raise kids and how they were extremely sure they could. I resonated with that, i was like yeah i would love to raise a baby… and i know how. also babies love me ::insert watery eyes:: what could be better?




I’ve resonated more with a mother, father, brother, aunt, wife and husband. I feel like these are all management or leadership positions. I’ve been all of those roles to myself out of survival so i’ve known how to raise human babies because i raised myself.

now, at 41, i’ve gotten the opportunity to see what being a sister and a daughter is like. without going into details, i think it means receiving without the expectation of giving anything in return. maybe it means i can be myself without doing a job. nothing is expected of me. someone can just be there for me when i need it.


this newfound joy of being a daughter and a sister feels overwhelming. like, it hurts me in my heart and it makes me cry. i know it’s not feelings of suffering but it’s confusing for sure.

the realization that i haven’t been able to identify with “sister” and “daughter” saddens tf out of me. i hate it for me and yet i totally feel the resistance to letting someone else care for me for fear they won’t do as good of a job as me. perhaps they won’t understand what it’s like to care of someone unique like me and i’ll just accept that care thinking that’s the best anyone can do.


as a mother and a father, i fully pay attention to my needs and i try to execute care for myself respectfully. I make sure to hug myself when i haven’t been hugged proper in a year. i pay attention to my skin, any wounds, the way my mind interacts with my brain. I think about my organs and their relationship to the food i eat. i make sure i am able to chill with god even when i don’t need to or have anything to say. i tend to the earth as if the entire globe is my home. I make sure people around me feel tended to and loved by me, at the very least. I created a value system for my family [me] and continue being loyal to myself.


to digress, being one’s own entire family unit is a full time job. i might go as far as to say that i fear becoming codependent because i know the value of practice and i do not want to become out of practice at taking care of myself. Even as i type these words, i stand in allegiance to my flag with my hand on my heart.


i’ve always understood that children are our future which is why i continue to raise me the way that i do. Little Shelly has been out here guiding and leading this whole time. she hasn’t had time to be a daughter or a sister. she hasn’t had time to decide what those relationships even look like.


i can see now that i have that choice. LS does not fuck around and she’s not afraid to dismiss anyone who doesn’t see her value and i appreciate that about her because sometimes i don’t have the balls or the energy to fight for my own rights. see, she still puts in the fuckin work, it’s crazy. she pushes on my chest and grips my throat. she makes sure we stay alive to experience all of the different kinds of love there is to experience… including heartbreak. heartbreak’s love… ::sigh::


i know i’ll always need to parent myself but what would it take for me to fuck around and find out what it’s like to be a sister and a daughter? i patiently wait for this love.

5 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

コメント


join our community!

hell yeah

QueerStart Logo

gofauxhawkyourself © All Rights Reserved | Privacy

gfy is an established QueerStart Company

  • Discord
  • Spotify
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Youtube

Brooklyn, NY | call/textemail me

SHANE-BADGE-2024-teal.png
bottom of page