What is it? [this is a mishmash of words about sadness and/or depression]
What is it about sadness that people are so fucking scared of? My first instinct when someone is sad around me or being in the know about someone’s sadness isn’t to leave them alone. My instinct isn’t to say “I’m here for you if you ever want to talk” or “let me know if I can do anything.” My gut is telling me to keep them present because I know sadness and the last thing I want is to truly be left alone. I often do stay alone during sadness because it was my option as a child. I learned that when depressed people stay ghost or introvert during bouts of sadness it’s not because they want to be alone necessarily… it’s because they’re used to being alone during those times. It’s muscle memory. When someone says open endedly “I’m here” or “let me know” those are not options. To me, that means, “it’s your job to:
[1] reach out to/approach you
[2] blurt out one or more of the many things that may be weighing me down at the time [translate as: make decisions under pressure]
[3] be able to articulate
[4] act appropriately during a convo, emotionally
[5] feel completed afterwards.
Starting with 1, is it in a depressed persons MO to reach out during a bout of depression/sadness?
In my experience, a sad person [me] is extremely likely to empathize with the person saying “let me know…” even if they are a significant other or a “friend” because I know the weight I are carry and that it may affect the other person. Personally, I suspect they often retreat from, what seems like, a lack of understanding of how a person can be so ME but also be carrying this sadness. Perhaps it’s that a person’s inability to empathize.
I often get treated differently when someone knows what is in my heart. For me, if the past is any sign of my future, most times I share what’s in my heart with someone, they will not be able to compute it [for a lack of a better phrase]. It feels like a rejection. It is almost as if they retreat as a defense mechanism. I also think people do not expect me to have so much pain or sadness in my heart because I am young… and happy. I’m not a drug addict or extreme alcoholic. I’m not traditionally medicated. I go to the beach and take solo hiking adventures. I take myself out for fried chicken sandwiches. I prepare myself extravagant meals and nourish my body every opportunity I get. I practice yoga. I reuse my Trader Joe’s bags as garbage bags because I don’t understand how humans feel our garbage is so important that it should be in a plastic fucking bag for all eternity. But I digress.
I’m v good at life. Not only that but I’m v good at fucking with life raw. Maybe that scares people. What scares me is that it’s not even my choice. Getting medicated for all of my acronyms requires a lot of work that my autism can’t handle alone. Everything I have set up for myself, I've done to survive in a world that is not set up for me. [this is a lot of work.] Being able to medicate traditionally is a privilege to me. Why? a lot is because I am unpracticed and I don't regularly have a translator for the neurotypical world. If I fuck up, it is on me. Like, I yearn for the luxury of fucking up and taking a rest from myself. But I can't. Because I would die and I don't have a person around me consistently reminding me why I should live. So, it has to be me. So... It's also me: crying on the train, having deep thoughts about jumping off the top floor of my building, fantasizing about crossing the street at the wrong time and being totaled. Feeling peace on a plane that if it went down, that would equal rest for me.
I often bump orbits with folks who specifically cannot handle seeing/feeling me being sad – that is painful for me. Like… how do folks think I feel seeing/feeling myself being sad. “I don’t like to see you sad” is such bullshit. What message is that sending to said sad person? Am I now supposed to shift to how YOU feel and be less sad because you don’t like how I feel? I feel like it immediately gives me the job of not being sad [having feelings other than happy] as to not upset the person who cares about me.
I have a very vivid memory of having an outburst at my friends in my 20s during a casual/regular porch night where I exclaimed aggressively, “has anyone considered asking ME how I feel?” and I continued to go on about how I can’t recall a moment any of them have ever cared to put in the time for me and I wept… a lot. Their response was silent. For awhile. No one literally said anything. I eventually had to get my shit together and lighten the mood for everyone so that we could all live normal lives for the night. Nothing came of it, though. Like, no one suddenly started asking me how I was or tried getting to know me in the deep ways they’ve all made sure I know them. [i am still friends with one of these homies and that makes me really happy.]
Rinse. Repeat. [something that makes me feel sad]
I genuinely want you to respond to this in whatever way you feel called. [except about my grammar or spelling. let me live my life]
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